来源: 搬运自某管 xJaN7R_d45E
翻译：gemini-exp-1206
说明：自认为还不错的文章，从播客视频翻译过来，这次 gemini 遇到哲学思辨风格的文字，翻译有点力不从心，关键词汇有点乱用，所以自己修改了点，也可能 prompt 没写到位的缘故。
就文章来说，这个观点也非常平淡，但相信忍受过 爱作的伴侣折磨的人，感受是非常深刻的。影视剧等 一直在拉高 男性的生活作为的标准，且个体无法对其作出反馈，如涓滴汇入江河，最终流入大海，作为海洋 也很难去抱怨溪流的不是，唯以宽阔的胸襟 聊以自慰。
The truth about good relationships
今天咱们聊一个关于良好关系的真相。这个道理，大家都懂，但很少有人愿意把它摊开来说。但一旦咱们把它摊开来说，就能很好地解释为啥拥有美好关系的人那么少，以及为啥现在这么多年轻人似乎对谈恋爱完全不感冒。直说了吧，真相就是：良好的关系都很“无聊”。
没错，就是“无聊”。
一点儿都不刺激。
好的关系里没有那么多狗血剧情，没有那么多冲突，没有那么多激烈的争吵、复杂的约定，也没有那么多大起大落的情绪。美好的关系是平静的，是稳定的，是可靠的，是顺顺当当的。而且，越是顺当，你就越不容易注意到它的存在。毕竟，有问题才容易引起注意，这也是为啥很多人非得在关系里“作妖”的原因。
听好了，一个人拥有美好关系的能力，跟他/她忍受无聊的能力成正比。那些一个劲儿地想让年轻人接受传统关系模式的人，似乎恰恰忽略了这一点。没错，一段好的关系确实能让人感到满足和快乐，但你需要有足够成熟的心智才能体会到这一点。
所谓的情感成熟，就是能把“无聊”变成“心静”。但偏偏很多人，尤其是年轻人，由于身心尚未发育完全，还缺乏这种成熟。没有这种成熟，一段好的关系带来的“无聊感”就会让人难以忍受。没有新鲜感，没有刺激，没有惊喜，永无止境。这就是为啥很多人，不管男女，都会在关系里无事生非。他们不会想承认这点，但他们就是无聊了。这些人就像故意去捅马蜂窝，哪怕被蛰也心甘情愿，因为至少那样他们能感觉到点什么。
他们还会去寻找那些让人觉得刺激、充满激情、随心所欲的伴侣，那些在某种程度上不太稳定、不太可靠、不太确定的伴侣。因为，实话说，所有这些都为好的戏剧而作，它们都能激起人的情绪。
很多人宁愿忍受负面情绪，也不愿意接受良好关系中那种平淡的感觉。你非说这些人不成熟、有缺陷等等，其实也没法改变他们的想法，更解决不了这个问题。我特别喜欢的一位导演，小津安二郎（Yasujiro Ozu），拍过一部很棒的电影。虽然不是他最有名的作品，但这部电影叫《茶泡饭之味》，它把这个道理讲得比我见过的任何一部电影都透彻。
这部电影基本上就是对一段婚姻的描绘。丈夫耐心、冷静、有爱心、勤劳、能忍，而妻子简直就是个“作精”。在电影80%的时间里，她都在耍脾气、挑刺、抱怨、不靠谱。她对丈夫撒谎，背地里说他的坏话，直到她自己的闺蜜都看不下去了，当面指责她的恶劣行为。小津拍得很到位，但他并没有刻意强调，其实正是丈夫始终如一的可靠，才让妻子可以像个被宠坏的孩子一样任性。这是因为始终如一的可靠是很“无聊”的，而很多女性，就像小津电影里的妻子一样，觉得“无聊”是无法忍受的。
相信我，如果女性觉得体面和安宁很性感，那世界将会是另一番景象。
然而，这些特质并不能激发强烈的情绪反应，而始终如一的可靠往往被认为是理所当然的，因为它的表现是无形的，因此更难被看到。你需要有足够成熟的心智才能欣赏这些东西，而这正是年轻的妻子在电影的大部分时间里所缺乏的。
回到电影。最终，朋友的批评，以及丈夫因意外出差而带来的失去的威胁，让妻子清醒过来。
她开始反思自己，意识到自己一直是个糟糕的怨妇，并请求丈夫的原谅。接下来是电影里最好的一幕。
两人以夫妻的身份共同生活多年，但大部分家务都是由住家女佣完成的。为了不吵醒女佣，两人第一次走进厨房——这个家庭生活的核心，准备做一顿宵夜。他们必须一起努力才能找到锅碗瓢盆和米放在哪里。我们看着他们笨手笨脚地准备了一顿非常简单的饭菜——茶泡饭。
茶泡饭是小津对婚姻的隐喻。它不华丽，不张扬，没有异国情调的香料，也没有复杂的味道，更没有美食的创新。它就是好好的、健康的、简单的，米饭和茶。
你会怎么形容米饭和茶的味道？清淡、朴实、不起眼。就像没有人会去餐厅点茶泡饭一样。你明白吗？但它能填饱肚子，能给人安慰，这是很多东西都无法比拟的。小津理解良好关系所特有的那种谦逊和简单。事实上，这一点在他的电影风格中也得到了体现。没有摇镜头，没有追踪镜头，没有变焦。每个镜头看起来都一样。值得一提的是，小津这位备受尊敬的日本家庭生活记录者，终身未婚，一直和母亲住在一起，直到母亲去世。
正如我之前说过的，大多数婚姻不能长久的主要原因是，我们总是对婚姻抱有过高的期待。婚姻本质上是一个非常谦卑的制度，而我们却给它强加了太多它原本无法支撑的期望和欲望。它很简单，很朴实，就像茶泡饭。用一个不那么好听的词来说，就是“无聊”。尤其是当人们习惯了体验那些强烈、鲜明、刺激的情绪和感觉时，更是如此。相比之下，一段好的关系会显得非常沉闷和无聊，但这只是因为这些人并没有真正地用心去看，用心去听。
他们只是随便看了看，听了听，就自以为对所见所闻了如指掌，因此认为没有什么新鲜或有趣的，进而轻蔑地转身离开。但当他们开始真正地去看，真正地去听，他们就会开始看到所有这些微妙的变化、令人愉悦的细节，以及曾经被他们拒绝的体验中的那种美好的多样性。这种生活一点都不无聊，远非如此。
它是一种令人愉悦的平静，但可能需要时间和成熟才能理解这一点。一段好的关系就像听雨声，或者看壁炉里烧得旺旺的火。它简单、平静，能让人恢复元气。当你越来越适应这些体验时，你们的关系就会变成一个安全的游乐场，你甚至不用离开家，世界就会向你敞开。
强烈的情绪和感觉实际上会让你对这些东西的敏感度降低，让你更难忍受最初伴随这些体验的“无聊”。
但除此之外，你还有别的选择吗？你只能一直追逐那些能给你带来情绪刺激的东西，直到你能忍受“无聊”，看着它变成“平静”。
附加 英文原文
And the topic of today's short talk is the truth about good relationships. We all kind of know this truth, but very few people say it out loud. But once we bring it out into the open, it does a great deal to explain why so few people have good relationships and why so many young people apparently don't seem to be interested in relationships at all these days. Here it is. The truth about good relationships is that good relationships are boring.
They're boring.
They are not exciting.
A good relationship does not have drama. It does not have conflict. It does not have passionate arguments or complex arrangements or high emotion. Good relationships are calm. They're consistent. They're reliable. They run smoothly. And the smoother they run, the less you even notice them. Like nothing attracts attention like a problem, which is a big part of why so many people create them in their relationships.
Listen closely. A person's ability to have a good relationship is directly proportionate to his or her capacity to withstand boredom. The folks who are trying to sell traditional relationships to young people seem to have missed this point. Yes, there is something fulfilling and satisfying about a good relationship, but you need emotional maturity to be able to experience it. Emotional maturity is what transforms boredom into peace. But emotional maturity is precisely what so many people, especially young people, who are literally not yet fully developed, still lack. Without that maturity, the boredom of a good relationship becomes insufferable. No novelty, no excitement, no surprises, indefinitely. This is why so many people, men and women, create unnecessary problems in their relationships. They don't wanna admit it, but they're bored. These people will kick the hornet's nest, even if it means getting stung, because at least that way they will feel something.
They will also seek out partners who are exciting or passionate or spontaneous, partners who are in some way unstable or unreliable or uncertain, because let's face it,
all these things make for good drama. They evoke emotions,
and many people would prefer even negative emotions to the muted experiences that often characterize a good relationship. Insisting that such people are immature or damaged or what have you isn't gonna change their minds, and it certainly isn't gonna solve this problem. There's this great movie by Yasujiro Ozu, one of my all-time favorite directors. It's not one of his better-known films. It's called The Flavor of Green Tea over Rice, 《茶泡饭之味》 and it exemplifies this understanding better than any movie I've ever seen.
The film is basically a portrait of a marriage. The husband is patient, calm, loving, hardworking, and long-suffering, and the wife is just an enormous pain in the ass. Like through 80% of the movie, she is bitchy and critical and complaining and unreliable. She lies to her husband and talks badly about him behind his back until her own girlfriends can't take it anymore and call her out for her shitty behavior. Now, what Ozu gets right, but doesn't really call attention to,
is the fact that the husband's consistent reliability like enables the wife to act like a petulant brat. This is because consistent reliability is boring, and many women, like the wife in Ozu's film, find boredom to be intolerable, trust me, if women found decency and tranquility sexy, the world would look like a very different place.
However, these traits do not evoke strong emotional responses, and consistent reliability is often taken for granted precisely because its performance is invisible and thus harder to see. It takes emotional maturity to be able to appreciate these things, and that is precisely what the young wife lacks through most of the film.
Back to the film. Eventually, the criticism of her friends, as well as the threat of loss represented by her husband's departure on an unexpected business trip, bring the wife to her senses.
She does some soul searching, realizes that she's been a miserable crank, and begs her husband's forgiveness. What follows is the best scene in the movie.
The two have lived together as husband and wife for years, but most of the domestic duties have been discharged by their live-in maid. Not wanting to wake her up, the two enter into the kitchen, the heart of domesticity, for the first time to prepare a midnight snack. They have to work together to figure out where the pans are and where they keep the rice. And we watch them stumble through the preparation of a very simple meal, green tea over rice.
Green tea over rice is Ozu's metaphor for marriage. It's not flashy or creative. It doesn't have exotic spices or complex flavors or gastronomic inventions. It's good and wholesome and simple. Rice and tea.
And how would you describe the flavor of rice and tea? Subtle, bland, unremarkable. Like no one goes to a restaurant to order tea over rice. Do you understand? But it's filling and comforting in a way that few things are. Ozu understood the modest simplicity that characterizes good relationships. In fact, this is consistently embodied in his style. No panning, no tracking, no zooming. Every shot looks the same. And it should be noted that Ozu, the venerated chronicler of Japanese domesticity, never married and lived with his mother for the remainder of her life.
As I've said before, the main reason why most marriages don't last is because we collectively want that relationship to be too many things. Marriage is fundamentally a very humble institution and we burden that structure with expectations and desires that it was never designed to support. It is simple and unpretentious, like tea over rice. It is, for lack of a better word, boring. And this is especially true if people are used to experiencing like big, bright, intense emotions and sensations. A good relationship is going to seem very dreary and dull by comparison, but that's just because these individuals weren't really looking with their eyes and hearing with their ears.
They just kind of looked and heard enough to give them the confidence that what they see and hear is known and understood, and therefore that there's nothing new or interesting about it, which in turn causes them to dismissively turn away from it. But when they start to really look and really listen, they begin to see all this subtle variation and delightful nuance and tasteful diversity in the experience they once rejected. This life isn't boring, far from it.
It's sublimely peaceful, but it can take time and maturity to arrive at this understanding. A good relationship is like listening to the rain or watching a well-banked fire. It's simple and calming and restorative. And as you become increasingly attuned to these experiences, then your relationship becomes like this really safe playground and the world kind of opens up to you without even needing to leave your house.
Intense emotions and sensations actually dull your sensitivity to this kind of stuff and make it harder to tolerate the boredom that initially attends these experiences.
But what's the alternative? You'll be chasing the dragon of emotional stimulation until you can tolerate boredom long enough to see it transform into peace.